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Until now Ithra and Tumelo have lived at home, supervised by their families. But soon they will be moving away together to a new city. While she has always been supportive of her daughter dating a black guy, something suddenly feels different. There might be a future between Ithra and Tumelo, and that's maybe what it is," she hesitates. I always encouraged the girls to be open about everything. And now it's a relationship. With a black guy.
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How open am I really? We're gonna get roasted! Ithra and her sisters - who have now made their way from her bedroom where they were huddled over a computer waiting for the junior doctor posting - worry that their mother's honesty about race may be received badly, especially on social media, when this story is published. It sits differently. I remember being so angry with my parents and my grandparents for not doing something about it. How could we be part of such a cruel and unfair system - and you allowed it? Now when you have that kind of purpose, of course I'm going to have kids that I've raised that are free of that reality but I'm also human and I come from a certain community so it does go deeper.
At the home of Ithra's grandparents, Washiela and Ashraf, a livestream from Mecca plays on the TV in the background and large calligraphy prints of verses of the Koran are framed on the walls. His wife asks me to sit next to her on the leather couch as I ask why they haven't spoken to their granddaughter for months. The whites one side. The coloureds one side and the blacks one side. The tiered levels of apartheid meant that Indian and mixed-race people were given preferential treatment, compared to black people.
Then she adds: "You know we were very racist, I am going to be honest with you, because we come from apartheid and that stigma is always there.
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It will never go away. But it's strange, when it comes to your own family, then it's a different scenario and you have to accept It's the Rainbow Nation. When Granny Washiela says "Rainbow Nation" she raises her eyebrows and smiles ironically. Attitudes to interracial relationships are an indicator of how far South Africans have travelled in terms of integration and addressing prejudices, according to a report from the Institute for Justice and Reconciliation IJR , but the data suggests that there has been little progress.
Approval rates among white people rose significantly over this period, though they are still more negative than others about interracial marriage. Approval of interracial marriage among the mixed-race and Indian communities actually fell in the 12 years to At the same time, the number of interracial marriages is increasing.
A study by North-West University in Mahikeng showed that in only one marriage in involved people of different races, but by it had become about one in That's 0. According to the census, three-quarters of South Africa's population is black, and Asians make up just 2.
The rest of the population divides more or less equally into white and mixed-race. Paula Quinsee, a relationship coach from Johannesburg, says Blasian couples face particular challenges. At least black and white people in relationships with each other are both likely to come from Christian families, while in Blasian relationships religion is added to other cultural barriers. And there is another factor. It's the day of the big meeting and Tumelo's mum, Modjadji, has gone all out.
She's spent the morning preparing the mopane worms, tripe and chicken's feet. She's also bought halal meat especially. There's no way she could have been allowed to bring home a man of another race she says.
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That would have been unheard of. She wants her children to have that freedom, though she doesn't want them to abandon their culture. And that means not compromising on eating chicken feet and tripe, or drinking alcohol, in front of people who may not be used to it. Ithra, Rayana and her husband and Ithra's sisters arrive holding flowers and deep pans containing Asian food: biryani and tandoori chicken. Modjadji throws her arms around Rayana. As the families sit down to eat, Tumelo's brother recites a Christian prayer. Then the conversation resumes, and soon it turns to those not at the table - namely, Ithra's grandparents.
At school, because we lived in what was known as a coloured area and there weren't a lot of blacks around us She repeats some of the things she had told me earlier, but as Rayana finishes, Tumelo picks her up on a phrase she has used.
So what are the replacements? Later, Tumelo's father Phuti - a quiet man who has remained silent for most of the lunch - speaks up with advice for the Born Frees at the table. But it was never a moment. Actually in my view things got a little bit worse than what we thought," he says.
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I never interacted with Indians until very late in my life, when I was working. This generation will resolve it.
Every generation has its own problem. Fascinating read — thank you for sharing your perspective on parenting from your corner of the world, Bongi! I have lived in Cape Town my whole life now 51 years old and have loved reading about this family on your blog! Although there are many challenges, we live in a vibrant, diverse and beautiful city and country. Thankyou so much for sharing your experiences.
Two things struck me. You are pretty inspiring! Secondly, you all seem happy and comfortable with difference and respect it. That is an incredible gift to give your son. I loved this one! Thank you Bongi. I visited South Africa years ago and it was so incredibly beautiful! We were asking our safari guide who was white and spoke english and Afrikaans about racism there.
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Thank you!!! What a gorgeous family and such an interesting post! I love hearing that breastfeeding is so widely accepted and natural in the Eastern Cape and wish that were the case here in the U. Thank you for sharing your lovely family and a bit about South Africa.
I remember so vividly as a very young child watching my parents dance and celebrate the release of Nelson Mandela. The struggles of the country from apartheid was such a foreign concept to me having been raised in Kenya. I have since been fascinated by the south African people. Their strength,culture,the music and the rolling hills.
Is it safe for interracial couple to travel to South Africa - Cape Town Central Forum
I plan to visit one day. Thanks for the disclaimer,these stories do in most cases showcase mamas in the middle upper class and I loved the fact that you tried to still make it known that your privileges may not be those of others.
Bongi you have a lovely family and clearly a lovely soul! As diligent follower but infrequent commenter for 10 ish years sorry! I LOVE reading and rereading and more recently delving into past comments- so good! It makes me inspired and hopeful for the future with or without children and in whatever part of the world we might end up in with time. Living abroad is wonderful, but parts of it can be so challenging and isolating so hearing and relating to others experiences means so much. I think further perspectives could only enrich this series.
But beyond that and more than anything, just thank you a million times over for representing such a broad range of women and for making so many humans feel seen and heard every day. I feel so enriched by this community on a daily basis, and I am so grateful for this little corner of the internet and the world!
Thank you, Bongi, for portraying motherhood in South Africa in such a beautiful and honest manner. Love from South Africa, and more specifically, Paarl : xx.